The right to legal abortions is in mortal danger — I posted about it before, including here and here and here, etc. Lately, between that horror and the recent annual downpour of Mother’s Day “Odes to Motherhood” asserting all women are some sort of mother, plus “mom = saint,” I’ve yearned for another kind of day.
Dear friends, neighbors, and family, keep in mind that “childfree” implies choice, whereas “childless” is its sad opposite. If your language isn’t listed, it’s only for lack of space:
Happy Childfree Day!
!Feliz día sin niños!
روز آزادی کودکان مبارک
Haurrik gabeko Egun zoriontsua!
چائلڈ فری ڈے مبارک ہو۔
Schönen kinderfreien Tag!
해피 차일드 프리 데이
Feliç dia sense nens!
ハッピーチャイルドフリーデー
Glædelig børnefri dag!
无儿童日快乐
La mulți ani fără copii!
ਬਾਲ ਮੁਕਤ ਦਿਵਸ ਮੁਬਾਰਕ
Diwrnod Rhydd o Blant Hapus!
З днем без дітей
Feliĉan Seninfanan Tagon
No offense to kids — I was one myself, hyuk hyuk, but was never into having one.
Seriously, though, as a kid I often reeled over the implication that a woman’s most valuable contribution is as a vessel. Barring that, childhood rumination involved a mini-me who I’d be angelic to in ways that I wished folks would be to me. (Insert genuine listening and caring for mini-me, rather than treating her as an appendage or toy.) Back then, I envied adoptees whose parents, I reasoned, were better equipped to regard their kids as independent and separate souls. If I were ever to become a parent, it would be that way, I told myself.
The two times I got pregnant despite contraceptives freaked me out to the extent that only after terminating them, did I muse on how motherhood might have felt. Still, friends, strangers, and doctors insisted that in due time I would long to be a mother.
Shortly after I married Mr. Marvelous, I was pregnant again. In this case, we get along so well that once some of the initial terror subsided, I chose to go through with the pregnancy. Three months later, I miscarried. Sad, yes. However, it provided a valuable window of empathy for the many women who really want kids but can’t have them.
Also, I reminded myself, if I wanted kids badly, I could just adopt. After a brief glance into what’s involved with fertility drugs and adoption, I knew once and for all that I don’t want motherhood that badly.
My hat is off to those who desire children and become parents.
And I curtsy low for people like me who are best kid-free.
Here are some interviews with people who don’t want kids…
If you’re looking for a man’s take, I found only this one with a guy’s input…
For me, particularly as a younger adult, childfree folks were down-to-earth and easier to be around. Their lives were more fulfilled and interesting. People with kids often acted as if I wasn’t a full adult, even though I fully supported myself and lived independently once I turned eighteen…
Elderly parents moaned a lot about their kids not calling and not visiting. They complained that their grown children only kept in touch when they wanted money, grandkid-sitting, or to tell them what to do. They acted far lonelier than the non-parents who learned early to appreciate a family of friends…
What do you think of childfree people? If you don’t want kids, did people say you’re bound to change your mind? In your opinion, do childfree people seem pitiable or perhaps worse?
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For the first 12 years of our marriage, my husband and I were perfectly happy working in our own company and felt we had no time for kids. In our 30s, we started to think we should have kids but I wasn’t getting pregnant. We were still very happy and didn’t really want to take extra measures (like in-vitro) to have children. If they happened naturally, great. If not, we were fine with that too. Then, when I was 40, after 18 years together, our son was born. Twin daughters followed 2 years later. I’ve loved being a mom. Probably the favorite thing I’ve ever done. That said, I was and am convinced that I would have led a happy life without kids as well. Being a parent is a Massive undertaking. No one should do it unless they are fully into becoming a parent. It’s unfathomable that a country that enshrines the “pursuit of happiness” in its constitution is considering forcing women, teens, and girls to have babies if they become pregnant.
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beautifully said, Carol. many tx for sharing your story & am very glad all well with you ❤
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I never wanted children, which was a challenge when I met a man who already had kids, and fell in love. He was worried I would not want to parent his children. But after 27 years together, he knows that me not wanting my own children didn’t mean I would not love his kids. People asked us for a long time when we would have children together. They could not understand when I said never! Like it is an expectation that every woman wants to birth a child!
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so true – & as if just because one doesn’t set out to be a mother, that one can’t be loving to a partner’s kids. thanks for commenting ❤
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Well, I’m one who really wanted children badly, but after two miscarriages and then talk of divorce, I was shocked to find out that I was pregnant. My ex-husband didn’t change his mind about the divorce, however, so I was a single mom for a couple years until I met and married my husband who had two little kids and like instant oatmeal — just add water — I suddenly had three. It’s been an honor for me to raise them and my mother archetype is very strong so if I had not had kids I would have been heartbroken, but I also see the other side. My sister does not have children and I know she was right in making that decision for herself. We all do what we need to for ourselves and if we do the right thing for ourselves, our kids won’t suffer. To force someone to have a child they don’t want is a bizarre answer to the question of what to do with an unwanted pregnancy and I those who are trying to force women to do so will deal with the karmic fallout of their decisions.
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wisely said, Pam – thank you
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I find this an interesting and thought-provoking post, da-AL. I’m a mother of two and grandmother of one. I adore my daughters and would love to have had more grandkids, but I respect and understand their choices. Choice is the operative word, and that’s why the SC’s imminent ruling is so very cruel and harmful. I am sick at heart thinking of women being damaged by botched abortions—or forced to carry and give birth to an unwanted child. So much damage to so many humans by a small segment of zealots and lots of dark money.
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very true, Annie – it’s not the majority — all the more encouragement for us to fight…
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I haven’t watched the videos yet, but my own take on the topic is, that I neither wanted to get married nor to have children. that was mainly based on the bad examples of marriages and how children were treated in my own family, my grandparents and the parents of school friends. Marriage was not for me, and therewith neither were children.
I got married anyway when I was 30, but soon I could see, if I got children with that man, I would sooner or later be a single parent, so that was a no go. I also found out that I really didn’t want children, because I found that was too heavy a responsibility for me. I got sterilized when I was 36, but I did not see any reason why I should tell anybody, that was nobody’s business but mine.
Many people couldn’t understand that I didn’t want children, but I was never told that I would change my mind. They told me “but it is so giving”, and the next sentence was “could you babysit sometimes?” 🙂 😀
I know women, who love to be a mum and housewife, and others who prefer to be business women. Fine with me, everybody should live the way they like it. I get along with all of them, also with the children. 😉
When I was 38, I met my soulmate and husband since then 😉 and guess what, he had two kids, two boys, 6 and 10 years old, who were half a week with us and the other half with their mother. Such is life! 🙂 😀
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much appreciate your stopping by & sharing your story, Birgit ❤
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